Kiel's Jokes Page
Steal a joke off a mate and send it to kiel@jokerswild.co.uk
RULES!
No chickens crossing any roads jokes
No knock knock jokes
No sending me death threats
No sending me any junk messages (especially you AOL!)
Don't expect any reward for sending in jokes, not even a reply!
No jokes about certain people that others will not know (e.g. Philip Bruce)
JOKES
sent in by Jess Wildthing
John woke up one
morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of
the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she
was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his
little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to
your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to
"take this to your silly Daddy.
The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked
his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen".
The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to
"take this to the "poor dude upstairs".
The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole
Is The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
Sent in by Kelly Darlington
A man walks into
a chemist (pretend it's someone you know)
Bloke: Hi, do you have a pack of 99 condoms please?
Chemist: No sorry, but we do have this back of 100 condoms.
Bloke: Who do you think I am? Some sort of sex maniac!!
Sent in by Philip Jefferies
Fred walked in
drunk from the pub.
After eventually finding the stairs he came into the bedroom
where his wife
was.
"Sue, Sue, its a miracle!" Fred cried. "I've just
been to the loo and the
light came on all by itself! and when i left, it went off,
untouched by
human hands!! its a miracle i tell you!"
"Oh Fred, go to sleep," replied his wife, "you've
pissed in the fridge
again."
Sent in by Myself
Top 21 things NOT
to say to a cop when he pulls you over
1. Hey can you give me one of those full cavity searches?
2. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to my 44 Magnum
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun
fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are a trained
specialist
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just s one of us
does
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
9. I pay your salary
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb
to work at McDonalds
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriends night stand
12. Didn't I see you get you're ass kicked in Police camera
action?
13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
15. Bad cop, no donuts for you!
16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
first
17. I thought you had to be in relatively good shape
18. Hey, you must have been doing about 125mph to have kept up
with me
19. Aren't you that guy from The Village People
20. Sorry officer, i didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
switched on
21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
Sent in by Myself
A guy walks in and sits down
at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the
bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you,
buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I
called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she
do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
Sent in by Myself
One night, after a long
evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On
his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. after
looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded
to beat the crap out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the
police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and
said, 'yeah, thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.'
Sent in by Myself
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Sent in by Myself
Be careful, many of these laws are still on the books
1-When visiting Louisiana,
remember that it is illegal to gargle in public...you can do just
about anything else in public, but NO gargling!
2-Be careful that you do not get caught shaving while driving in
Massachusetts or you'll be in real trouble.
3-If you're going to be driving through Utah, be alert because
the birds have the right of way on the state highways.
4-And walking down the streets of Maine with your shoes strings
untied is also illegal.
5-In Atlanta, not only is it illegal to tie your giraffe to a
telephone pole but if you get caught dressing a mannequin without
shutting the window shades, you could be in big trouble.
6-When in Nebraska, keep in mind not to spit against wind because
not only is it messy, its also illegal.
7-Eating out in Connecticut became so much more pleasant once the
law requiring restaurateurs to provide separate nose-blowing and
non-nose-blowing sections, went into effect.
8-And if you decide to order cherry pie while eating in Kansas,
don't waste your time asking it to be served with a scoop of
ice-cream on top...it against the law.
9-In California, its against the law to peel an orange in your
hotel room....I guess its ok to peel it in the hallway & then
go into your room.
10-If you're planning to do any fishing while visiting Chicago,
be sure you don't do it in your pajamas or you might spend the
rest of your vacation in jail.
11-And if you're going to set a fire under your mule, don't do it
in Ohio..yep, its against the law. Can you believe it?
12-Whistling under water will result in more than getting water
in your nose, it will also get you put in jail if you do it in
Vermont.
13-And while you and your beloved spouse are enjoying the Florida
sun, don't throw dishes if you happen to have a little
disagreement with each other. If you break more than 3 a day, you
could spend the rest of your vacation eating off of metal trays
in the county jail.
14-It is illegal to land a flying saucer in the vineyards of
France.
15-If you take ill while in Iceland, never seek medical help from
anyone who's shingle reads: "Scottulaejnir". You see,
ANYONE, can practice medicine in Iceland as long as they display
this sign. Loosely translated it means, "Quack Doctor"
Sent in by Nick Taylor
cinderella has been thrown out of hollywood! she was caught sitting on pinocchio's face shouting "lie you bastard lie!"
Sent in by Nick Taylor
George Michael and Bill Gates were in heaven, and god decided to give them one more chance.God said "bill you're not allowed to make any money, and george, no gay sex" So they were walking down the street back on Earth, when Bill saw a fiver on the floor and went down to pick it up POOF, George Michael disappeared back up ot heaven!!!
Sent in by Michael Munn
Copy and paste this and send it to whoever you want!
Redneck Driver's License Application
Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth-Ann
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name:
__________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:
_________________________
3rd Spouse's Name:
_________________________
Lover's Name:
____________________________
2nd Lover's Name:
__________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of
children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed:
___
Number of children that are yours:
___
Mother's Name:
_______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________ and year: 194__
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of
times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Sent in by Michael Munn
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Sent in by Michael Munn
One day three women went
camping -- a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde
suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with
her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the
brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They
skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind
her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard
a scream.
Then they waited another half and hour and the blonde came back,
sweating. She said, “I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts
out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back
in.”
Sent in by Michael Munn
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."
Sent in by Michael Munn
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
Sent in by Michael Munn
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Someone
Someone who?
Someone being an asshole and bending the rules by telling knock
knock jokes
Sent in by Michael Munn
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun being devoured by Satanic zombie babies.
What's grosser than nailing a zombie baby to a post?
Watching it pull itself off and then try and eat you.
What's blue, red, and goes "pop"?
A zombie baby exploding out of Cookie Monster's belly.
What's green, blue, red, and tastes funny?
A zombie baby eating a clown.
What's cuter than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby with a bunny head in its mouth.
What's small, red, and can't turn around in a corridor?
A zombie baby impaled on a 7-foot iron spear.
Sent in by Jess Wildthing
There were three blonde men
stood on the side of a river. They didn't know how to cross it
but they didn't know that it was a magic river.
So the first blonde man stood at the edge of the river and he
said "I wish I was ten times more clever, then I would be
able to cross this river" And then he was changed into a
redhead and he swan across the river.
The second blonde man stood on the edge of the river and said
"I wish I was a hundred times more clever, then I would be
able to cross this river" And he was changed into a brunette
and he built a canoe and he got across the river.
The third blonde man stood on the edge of the river and said
"I wish I was a million times more clever, then I would be
able to cross this river" And by magic, he was changed into
a woman, and he built a suspension bridge!
Sent in by Giles Potter
Why did the astronaught cross
the road?
To get to his spaceship
Sent in by Leo Steelefox
A man,who is
driving abroad, stops at a red light.
Suddenly a car crashes into the back of his.
Mad with rage at the damage to his expensive car, he gets out and
pulls the
offender out of his vehicle.
'what the hell do you think you're doing?' He screams in the
other guys
face. But the other guy just stares at him. He studies the other
guys car
and, to his amazement it is doesn't have a scratch.
So goes back to his csr and manages to force open the back door
and get out
a piece of chalk and a baseball-bat. He walks about 10 meters
from the cars
and draws a circle with the chalk. He walks back to the man a
threatens to
hit him if he doesn't stand in the circle. The man does this.
He also tells him to stay in the circle, and if he steps out then
he'll kick
his ass. The other man nods.
Now with the other man out of the way he proceeds to smash up his
car. First
he take out his anger on the windows, smashing every last shard
out of the
frames. He looks over at the owner hoping to see him crying, but
instead
he's smiling. Thinking that he hasn't done enough he starts on
the bodywork,
leaving no panel un-indented. He looks again to find the other
guy laughing.
'I'll give him something to laugh about!' he thinks as he smashes
the stereo
and all the gizmos on the dashboard- no doubt costing quite a lot
of money.
He turns once again to find the guy laughing. He run runs over
mad with rage
and completely puzzled.
'I've just smashed up your car, why the hell are you
laughing??!!'
To which the other man replies,
'While you were over there....I stepped out the circle three
times!'
Sent in by Myself
The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
I am darn
unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave
them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a
thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team
up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our
karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.
Sent in by Jess Wildthing
1. What do u call
a blonde with pitails? A Blow Job with handlebars!
2. What does a halogan lamp and a blonde have in common? They
both get screwed in the front of a ford cortina!
3.What do u call a blonde in an institute of higher learning? A
visitor!
4.What does a blonde do if she aint in bed by 10pm? Gets her coat
and goes home!
5.Why is it difficult for a blonde to use a public loo? She has
to pull her own pants down!
6. Why does a blonde have an orgasm? So she knows when to stop
having sex!
7. Did u hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husbands
car? She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe!
8.What do u call 15 blondes in a circle? A dope ring!
9. What do u call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant!
10.What do u call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence!
11.How can u tell if a fax is from a blonde? There is a stamp on
it!
12. Why did the blonde stare at the carton of frozen orange juice
for 2 hours? Because it said concentrate!
13.What do u call a blonde mother-in-law? An airbag!
14.How do blonde brain cells die? Alone!
15.How many blondes does it take to make choclate chip cookies?
25- one to stir the mixture and 24 to peel the smarties!
16.Whats the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? Pick them
up off the floor!
17.What is the dofference between a blonde and an inflatable
doll? About 2 cans of hairspray!
18. What do a bonde and a turtle have in common? If you get them
on their backs they're both f**ked!
19.Whats the dofference between a blonde and a mosquito? When u
smack a mosquito it stops sucking!
20.How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized!
21. Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
Its hard to open the legs on an ironing bored!
22. What do u call a blonde lesbian? A waste!
23. What does a blonde do after she combs her hair? Pulls up her
pants!
24.Why dont blondes eat bananas? They cant find the zip!
25.Why do blondes wear hoop earings? SO they have somewhere to
rest their ankles!
26. Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because red means stop!
27. Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the
week it is!
28.Why do blondes have cars with sunroofs? More leg room!
29. Why did god create blondes? Because sheep cant bring beer
from the fridge!
30. How do u know if a blonde has been in your fridge? Lipstick
on your cucumbers!
31.Whats a blondes favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme!
32.Why do blondes have y-shaoed coffins? Because as soon as they
are on their back their legs open!
33.What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde? A blonde
doing cartwheels!
34.Whats a blondes favourite battery? Ever-ready!
35. What do u call a blonde with white eyes? Full!
Sent in by Myself
What goes 99
THUMP?!
An ice cream man getting mugged
Sent in by Jess Wildthing
How do you kill a
blue Monkey?
Shoot it with a blue Monkey gun
How do you kill a green Monkey?
Shoot it with
a green Monkey gun
How do you
kill a yellow Monkey?
Shoot it with a yellow Monkey gun
How do you kill a pink Monkey?
Squeeze his nose until it goes blue then shoot it with a blue
Monkey gun